What He Is Really Asking for
“The peculiar vanity of man, who wants to believe and who wants other people to believe that he is seeking after truth, when in fact it is love that he is asking the world to give him.” ALBERT CAMUS · NOTEBOOKS 1935-1942
Camus is describing a substitution, and he clearly includes himself in it.
A man announces that he is after truth. He reads seriously, argues well, holds positions. He would like you to see him as somebody in pursuit of what is real. Underneath, says Camus, he is asking to be loved, and has dressed the request up in something more dignified.
You can hear this once you listen for it. The argument that has to be won long past the point where anything is at stake. The opinion delivered slightly too loudly at dinner. The person who cannot let a small factual error go. Very little of that is about the fact. It is a request for regard, routed through a channel that feels less humiliating than asking.
Camus calls the vanity peculiar because of the double move. Not only do we want to be seen as truth-seekers, we want to believe it ourselves. The disguise works best on the person wearing it. There is nothing shameful in the underlying want. Everybody has it. The cost is that a request disguised as an argument almost never gets answered.
Notice a point you are pressing harder than it deserves. Ask what you actually want from the person.
